i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
