Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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