first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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