made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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