i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
