After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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