did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
