Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
