Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
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That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
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So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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