I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
