yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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