at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
