last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
