Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
