i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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