you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
