Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
