I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
