If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
