Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
