Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
tell me about the eggs
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
