Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
