I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
