She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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