My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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