Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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