1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
