she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
