explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
