Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
