Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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