so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I see more hoeing in ur future
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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