Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
