Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
