I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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