Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just pee around me
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
