also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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