Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
