Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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