I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
