I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
