She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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