Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?