Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
