remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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