Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
