you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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