I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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