I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
