Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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