Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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