I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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