hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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