I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
