oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
