Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
