the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
