Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
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I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
