My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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