i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
