i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
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At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
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I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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